QUESTION: What do you find the hardest thing about being married to a police officer?

ANSWER: Firstly, what caused friction during the first two decades but reduced after that, was my frustration at his apparent "pro police" bias. A specific example I recall was the famous Azaria Chamberlain case (when Lindy was still in gaol). He would not concede even the possibility of innocence, regardless how many points I raised, and screaming matches bounced around our little Inner West terrace house (active listening and "I" statements must not have been part of our general education and training courses back then).
 
Secondly, and this applied to the (plainclothes) investigative area, inconvenient elasticity to working schedules. I would often receive a hasty phone call (maybe a few hours or a few minutes' from end of normal shift) that he was enroute to a job that might take him to midnight or way beyond.

Timeframe depended on how many offenders would surface, whether they  would make admissions or not, whether a search warrant had to be executed, and how many exhibits would need to be documented, photographed and secured for later production at court.  He sometimes also had to travel away overnight at short notice.

Years later, at the higher rank of commissioned officer, this aspect of life improved because his wider responsibility required remote supervision of after-hours jobs, so he directed and advised via telephone from recreational venue or home (albeit in the middle of the night, sometimes).
 
Thirdly, considering community and organisational expectations with regard to personal behaviour, there was always a niggling concern that he might use offensive language in public or otherwise engage with some equally offensive person and thereby adversely impact his career or even end it. In my case, I was fortunate that his physical appearance was a deterrent to trouble makers. I am convinced that the general stresses of the job combined with high level accountability (both personal and professional) compound the effects of all family-based problems that inevitably occur.
 
Fourthly, coping with peoples' biased attitudes that sometimes partly resulted from personal experience (eg expecting police to fix their civil matter). People also regularly view news reports of critical events that they can't possibly appreciate from the police perspective. This is exacerbated by too many detective characters in American films who bounce through multiple life-threatening "scenes" then deliver a witty line and chase after the accomplice (otherwise, play normal happy families with the kids).

So when the real-life officer shoots the psychotic person waving the long blade knife around, it's just not black and white for most people at all. Maybe also, people raised on a diet of TV and cinema police drama develop a sense of expertise, so the policing role attracts armchair critics en masse. The way I see it, TV and newspaper media swell peoples' ignorance with less than half the story that also highlights irrelevant factors in the matter. If the report involves alleged police incompetence, the media often parades the complainant expressing his/her side; the officer is officially precluded from explaining his/her side of the story. My husband would go to his family function or bump into a neighbour, and the latest controversy would be put to him for comment. His response (or mine), that the full details were not known to any of us, was scant comfort when peoples' opinions were already formed in this unfair and unbalanced way.
 
Still on the topic of public perception, although slightly different in its effect, the various public Royal Commissions into police corruption - plus revelation of any isolated case of crime by serving members - all left my husband with a deep sense of betrayal by those crooked ones (and that can't be healthy).
 
Finally -  Sadly, officers themselves are products of early "policeman as action hero" conditioning (similar to a soldier's situation). They may not properly realise the need for adequate restoration and re-direction until all kinds of damage has occurred and accumulated in them. Their personalities change. They initially join so that they can help people. Then they get sneered at, sworn at and threatened more often than they get thanked for confronting human dysfunction and tragedy that sensitive people avoid. They are sensitive people also, but they must respond in repugnant or dangerous situations, to calls for help from some who, in other circumstances, wouldn't want to know them.
 

QUESTION: What causes you the most stress/worry?

ANSWER: As you might judge from my previous answer, the most worry came from observing emotional, therefore physical effects of workplace stress compounded by public attitudes and ignorance routinely reinforced by irresponsible media plus Hollywood claptrap.
 

QUESTION: What's the most interesting thing about being married to a police officer? The positives?

ANSWER: One very positive thing must be, the gift of clairvoyance for penetrating aforementioned media bias and Hollywood claptrap that perpetuate immaturity and mediocrity. 

I noticed with our children, now in their early twenties, that they've tended to be well-grounded mature types with a keen sense of fairness and healthy measure of caution regarding news and information from most quarters. 

Another positive may be the strategies for personal and property security that husband / dad drilled into all of us over time so that we're alert, but not alarmed, most days!  A huge positive... it's such a big family we belong to, with every member kind and generous. Once a member, always a member (including after different job direction). Each man and woman is a peaceful warrior so it's a specially supportive and privileged family to be a part of.

QUESTION: Can you give us an example of an occasion where you were really concerned about your husband's life?

ANSWER: I was somewhat concerned on an occasion that he went to a "controlled operation" in a large country town. An undercover officer in company with the armed robbery offender went to a firearms dealer's house to unlawfully take numerous firearms. With street and nearby houses safely secured, my husband was the only detective inside the target house with a few highly pumped special tactics police (SWAT). The job of the undercover was to convince the robber to give him his weapon so the undercover could enter the house - leaving the target in the stolen car alone so the outside SWAT could nab him (which they did).
 
Another example was the continuing concern about a threat on his life that was officially assessed as high risk.
 

QUESTION: What do you think was the hardest thing for HIM about being in the police service and raising a family?

ANSWER: I'll let him answer this one: 

"Police Officers live in a constant state of alertness. That is to say, while the general community goes home from work and settles into 'off time' police remain at the 'higher' level of alertness while not at work - even while on holidays. This places the family unit under a regime of 'security consciousness' driven by the police officer. Do things this way, don't do it that way, come home early and safe, who are you going with, why do you need to do it that way, keep doors locked, don't open the door at night, yada yada. 

Because police mainly interact with the 'seedy' side of life or equally with society that require intervention (domestic violence, neighbour disputes, car crashes etc) the police officer gets tunnel vision (all of society is bad). This tunnel vision (even though you know it is tunnel vision) causes you to impose stricter controls on the family simply to protect them - but our over protection can be stimuli for family opposition to the imposed safety controls.

 For Police, it takes conscious effort to avoid over-protecting the family. You are also conscious not to expose your family (family car) to people you have 'policed'. Hence, for example, not taking our daughter to nearby beaches. 
 
I was subject of a death threat (2003) by an Outlaw Motor Cycle Gang associate - NSW Police assessed the risk as 'high' - accordingly I undertook extra security measures at our house (extra side and rear flood lighting) which I paid because it would have taken more time to get approval for police to pay. Anyway, one day Colleen and our two children were home - I rang from work but the home phone was off line and the two mobiles were going to message bank so I jumped in a work car, raced home - burst into our house - everyone was peacefully sitting out the back chatting - so here is a 184 cm x 120kg male sprouting orders about phones being out of action and the need for safety procedures to be followed - make sure the landline is on the hook and mobiles are charged.

Later on, I mentally revisited my actions and realised I was like a mini whirlwind running into the house - barking orders - then leaving without giving anyone a chance to explain - I was over the top - but a reason had existed."
 

QUESTION: Can you recount a funny experience related to being the wife of a cop, or something that made you both laugh?

ANSWER: I still chuckle over an incident that he was very indignant about. This occurred after a solid 32 years that has produced something like a human/canine/eagle-eye hybrid that seems to be able to sniff a crook from many metres' distance without conscious effort. The two of us were strolling leisurely through a large and busy pharmacy at the elegant Broadway shopping complex near Ultimo (Sydney), each with our shopping bags in hand. He was browsing his shelf of male product as I was separately focused on my many shelves of female products. I gradually noticed that my husband-hybrid, casually dressed and three days' growth, was quietly chatting to an unknown male, clean shaven and impeccably dressed.

Shuffling past them towards my next product line, I realised that h-h was in "the stance" (shopping bag notwithstanding), staring down the other "customer" and declaring: "You know you can go to gaol for this, don't you?"  As the young, refined store manager flipped across the floor with suit tails flying and keys in hand, h-h eagle-eye watched the nervous gentleman hastily replace all the fancy boxes of fine fragrance to their cabinet. I think the poor manager was left somewhat bewildered and dumbstruck as h-h wandered away smouldering and muttering, "If there's anything I hate, it's a thief!"
 
I can also appreciate the funny side of raising a daughter who adores the surf but never got to surf at Bondi Beach, Bronte or Coogee as a child because her dad declared, "there are too many crooks over there that know me".  My retort: "Well that sounds fair, the crooks can have their lovely beach time while our sweet, deserving and innocent child makes other arrangements". Daughter's romps in the surf were mostly confined to our annual holiday in Port Macquarie, six hours' driving distance at that time!    

Daughter grew up to become a social worker and said to her dad, "Does this mean you'll be locking them up and I'll be trying to get them out again?"  It set me pondering about the irony of life and whether much of our earnest human endeavour is essentially futile.
 
QUESTION: What would your advice be to writers wanting to incorporate a police procedural background?

ANSWER: Police policy and procedure is such a complex beast; even in the real world of policing, errors of procedure are made every day. Having said that, certain procedure would be strictly adhered to almost without exception.  In addition to this, a long established etiquette exists within a longer established line of command.  A wrong gesture, word or action could betray authenticity.

We expect the smoothest and easiest way to ensure authenticity would be to establish friendly rapport with a serving or retired officer having direct solid experience in the specific area of crime (whether that's surveillance, canine, gangs, fraud, house burglary, homicide, car theft, shoplifting, highway patrol, drug trafficking, drug peddling, drug manufacture, firearms sales, or whatever else).

Unless you need only basic policy and procedure, it might be best to establish access to someone holding the rank of Sergeant or above (Inspector, Superintendent, Assistant Commisioner). I would expect, being members of a service-based, people-focused public sector… writers wouldn't have much difficulty finding an officer happy to oblige them. Besides, police officers are probably just as keen for authentic portrayal of their sector.
 
QUESTION: Is there anything else you'd like to tell writers about what it's like being married to a policeman?

ANSWER: I suppose this is similar for other occupations, but "shop talk" at social gatherings was often an impenetrable barrier.

- Colleen Maranda